FatKidsLie

Last night my girlfriend and I Rickrolled an entire bar.

There was a girl there, looked about 15, 16. Basically too young to be there and she was putting all sorts of crappy music on the jukebox. She played some Elton John crap, then played “My Humps”, Last Kiss and all sorts of other crap. I can’t remember. I was drinking because it was SATURDAY.

And SATURDAY is drinking day.

Well, after listening to “Hey now, You’re an Allstar!….” or whatever that crappy song that made me vomit through out the “aughts” I got pissed off and took $5 outta my girlfriend’s purse (while she was in the bathroom ‘cause I’m classy and I a’int no scrub and not gonna ASK her for money. I’m not ghetto like that, son). I put that $5 in the jukebox and it bought me 7 plays. So I selected “Never Gonna Give You Up”. Seven Times.

That’s 25 minutes of Rick Astley. No fucking way could anyone stand that. So I left.

And made my girlfriend drive me back home for a conjugal visit.

I don’t care if they block me from that bar because they only have Bud and Magic Hat on tap. Magic Hat is ok, a little sweet for me but palatable (unlike Bud which tastes like that time that someone peed in a cup and put in roofies and then took my shoes while i was passed out and made me walk home in shame from the Jersey Street Projects).

Also, why is Bud ever on tap? It seems to me to be a waste. Both of time and space. If I had a bar I probably wouldn’t even have Bud. At all. And if you ordered it I’d kick you out ‘cause I don’t want your money that bad. You’re probably a douche wearing an Ed Hardey shirt and I’d rather wear a jockstrap full of scorpions rather than anything that that Twatwaffle scribbles on a shitty silkscreen.

Anyway here’s some links to the video…

• Original Video
• Christian TV Show Rickrolled
• I was gonna post more but i have to go….
• Also: I don’t wanna spend any more time on a meme that went outta style a year ago.

My girlfriend has a kid. She and the baby daddy have an agreement that if either of them are dating that the other parent has to meet the boyfriend/girlfriend before they meet the kid. That’s fair. The problem? The babydaddy’s an ex KKK member. No, I am not being a fatkid. I’m being serious…

• MyGF: So, you’re gonna have to meet Fattie20XL soon.
• Babydaddy: OK. He’s not a wiccan like you, is he?
• MyGF: No. He’s half Jewish. Dosn’t follow any religion though.
• Babydaddy: Oh. I’m better with wiccans than Jews. Although Jews are also a race, not just a religion. I’m sure he’s ok though…
• MyGF: Yeah. He’s cool. Just be nice when you meet him…
• Babydaddy: So, no oven jokes?
• MyGF: He’ll kick your ass.
• Babydaddy: We’ll see. Jews aren’t good fighters. They’re usually asthmatic aren’t they?
• MyGF: …. He’s HALF jewish… I’ve seen him jump down three flights of stairs with a ninja sword to get people out of his back yard.
• Babydaddy: A jewish ninja? WTF?
• MyGF: I’m just saying… he’ll kick your ass…
• Babydaddy: With his hoofed feet? Or is he gonna mess up my taxes?

So, when I finaly meet this guy I’m gonna say “I’m OK for a jew, right?”

My sister, Suzan (as in “you’re cruzin fer a bruizin from…”) works in one of the worst, most dangerous junior high schools in the city. As a Special Ed teacher. With emotionally disturbed kids. Who’s parents, siblings and sometimes themselves are in gangs.

Sometimes the parents are in rival gangs.

But anyway…

One day my Suzan is walking down the hallway and she hears “MISS SUZAN RUUUUUN!!!!!” from a kid running away from where she’s going. so.. she does. She runs away. Takes a look back and sees some dude running around waving a machete. The guy gets closer and closer as she’s running and then the grossest, greasiest most foul smelling left back 4 times kid in her school, with a greasy mustache grabs the guy and throws him across the hallway and into the lockers and continues to run…

What caused this is that one student had a hankerchief in her back pocket. and some boy decided to play around and pull it out. BUT! this was no ordinary hankerchief. This was her gang colors and such an insult needs to be avenged….

So she told her parents who got their posse together and stormed the school. Makes sense though in a school where teachers get shot in the ass with BB guns for going outside to take a smoke.

Yeah. That happened too.

One day a teacher goes into the office after her smoke break screaming “CALL 911!!! i’ve been SHOT!!!” but… it was a BB pellet. In her ass. Another teacher goes up to her and says “Yeah. Same thing happened to me. Hit my ass. It’s OK. Didn’t even rip my pants. They did it again when I went out for my afternoon smoke. That one hit my hand, but it barely broke skin.”

This is what my sister deals with every day.

back in the days do you really think the milkman had relations with all the housewives? if so that’s an awesome perk. or a job hazzard.

If you keep picking your nose, your penis will fall off.

— Aunt Martha

This is what my aunt Martha told me once. When she kidnapped me and took me to church. For Easter.