FatKidsLie

Stay classy Staten Island

This is a planter outside my building. Where the hipsters congregate. Good job.

If it’s 9am and you smell like BO and apathy then you need to seriously re-examine your personal hygiene regiment. Yes, I understand if you work some weird midnight to 8am shift, but if you do that then you should re-examine your life and career path… because DAMN!

So pretty much every morning I get on the train either to go to school or work and this old guy who looks like he’s got a secret child molesting dungeon in his basement sits right behind me. Like back to back behind me. Every fucking day. And he smells like ointment and unwashed ass and feet.

Un-fucking-acceptable.

And every day, right after he sits next to me, I get up and move to the other end of the car and he gives me…. ME a dirty look! Dude! Get a fucking clue! Take a fucking hint! Use some fucking Riteguard and Irish Spring!

Today I had to get into a different car because all the forward facing seats were taken (I got issues and I gotsta sit forwards or backwards on the train, not sideways. It’ll throw off my whole day). In NYC it’s illegal and of course I run into a cop.

I told him it was life-or-death and explained the situation. The cop shook his head and said “ok… I just don’t give a fuck about anything anymore…” and took a swig from his flask and let me alone.

Good morning.

Once in the late 1980’s in Queens, NY where there were fully nude strip clubs on the main streets in a major city and drug dealers and pimps roamed the streets in fur coats and purple fedoras with giant peacock feathers attached to them like something out of a blacksploitation movie, my grandmother got mugged. It wasn’t really much of a mugging. The guy didn’t pull a knife or a gun or a stick with a nail in it or anything like that. It was really a snatch-and-grab type deal.

Some delinquent decided that an old lady, who was about 4ft nuthin’, wearing a mink coat would give up her sequined purse that was chock full of hard candy, a change of jewelry and a gangster roll of cash without a fight. But he didn’t realize that old people are usually not afraid to fight because they have no friends since they’ve outlived them all and are not afraid to die because they are old and get visits from the Grim Reaper every time they sit down on the toilet and will not take the kind of crap that stealing their purse in a snatch-and-grab type robbery entails from some young whippersnapper like you ya filthy punk hoodlum.

So when the guy tried to grab the bag and run away Grandma just stood there. Planted like the brick shithouse she was. The would-be robber just stopped, turned around, grabbed the purse with both hands, tried to pull it away and said what only some fucktarded criminal could possibly think of saying to a grandma that you’ve failed to mug: “Leggo th’ bag ya old bitch!”.

Grandma then reached back (like a pimp) and knocked that idiot out.

And knocked a tooth out of his head.

A construction worker was already rushing to her aid, took her by the hand and sat her down on a nearby bench. The robber started to get up and some kids said “no… you got knocked out by a grandma. You stay down now. You wait for the police to arrest you and take you away in a shameful way that you deserve.”

When the cops came they took one look at the robber, and then at my grandmother and wanted to arrest her for knocking him out so hard. So hard that he peed his pants.

• Me: [Your trusty fatkid, lucas]
• Biff: [My girlfriend's 6 year old son]
• Me: You've got 5 minutes to get your clothes for bed, and get in the shower!
• Biff: Or else what? [in that 6 year old testing-the-bounderies voice]
• Me: Or else I'm gonna take you out back and wash you with the hose and a dish sponge! [holding up the filthy dish sponge that I just used to clean bacon grease out of the sink because I forgot to do the trick where you put the paper towel in a coffee mug to catch the grease so you can throw it out]
• Biff: oh...
• Me: And then you're sleeping in the yard.
• Biff: But... what happens when the wolves come for me? [Really, and i mean REALLY, scared now]
• Me: That? Is YOUR problem. I'll be on the couch watching Transformers and eating your Captain Crunch.
• Biff: [Runs up and gets his pajamas and a towel. Takes the quickest shower of his life and is good the rest of the night. I win.]

• Miriam: How can you leave for California knowing your poor mother's going to be home all alone on Christmas? Have you no heart?
• Miles: Mom! You KNOW I have to work! And besides, we're Jewish!
• Miriam: What's that got to do with it! You're leaving your mother ALONE on CHRISTMAS!
• Miles: Enough with the Jewish Guilt.
• Miriam: *sigh*