September 2011
1 post
3 tags
August 2011
1 post
2 tags
Smelly People
If it’s 9am and you smell like BO and apathy then you need to seriously re-examine your personal hygiene regiment. Yes, I understand if you work some weird midnight to 8am shift, but if you do that then you should re-examine your life and career path… because DAMN!
So pretty much every morning I get on the train either to go to school or work and this old guy who looks like...
January 2011
2 posts
5 tags
Grandma got Mugged
Once in the late 1980’s in Queens, NY where there were fully nude strip clubs on the main streets in a major city and drug dealers and pimps roamed the streets in fur coats and purple fedoras with giant peacock feathers attached to them like something out of a blacksploitation movie, my grandmother got mugged. It wasn’t really much of a mugging. The guy didn’t pull a knife or...
2 tags
Parenting 101
Me: [Your trusty fatkid, lucas]
Biff: [My girlfriend's 6 year old son]
Me: You've got 5 minutes to get your clothes for bed, and get in the shower!
Biff: Or else what? [in that 6 year old testing-the-bounderies voice]
Me: Or else I'm gonna take you out back and wash you with the hose and a dish sponge! [holding up the filthy dish sponge that I just used to clean bacon grease out of the sink because I forgot to do the trick where you put the paper towel in a coffee mug to catch the grease so you can throw it out]
Biff: oh...
Me: And then you're sleeping in the yard.
Biff: But... what happens when the wolves come for me? [Really, and i mean REALLY, scared now]
Me: That? Is YOUR problem. I'll be on the couch watching Transformers and eating your Captain Crunch.
Biff: [Runs up and gets his pajamas and a towel. Takes the quickest shower of his life and is good the rest of the night. I win.]
December 2010
5 posts
Guilt
Miriam: How can you leave for California knowing your poor mother's going to be home all alone on Christmas? Have you no heart?
Miles: Mom! You KNOW I have to work! And besides, we're Jewish!
Miriam: What's that got to do with it! You're leaving your mother ALONE on CHRISTMAS!
Miles: Enough with the Jewish Guilt.
Miriam: *sigh*
3 tags
“Is there any reason that the bedroom smells like farts? I mean… ...”
– My girlfriend on the state of our bedroom. Which does smell like farts.
Not usually. Just… today. It’s really bad.
We’ve been sick for the past week and a half…
And for the record? Farts come from my butt.
4 tags
Burning Man
“Hey mom! Remember that time that I was 7 and you brought me to BURNING MAN? That was the first time I saw adult penis!” was the quote of the hour. From my nephew. To my sister, Miriam.
Miriam is the one that used to live in my attic and got accused of hiding weed in a coffee pot, if you can recall. So she’s already a bad dude.
What had happened is that she was told by...
3 tags
Music Club
When I was a zit-covered tween in the early 1990’s I discovered music. More importantly I discovered music CLUBS. To remind everyone what those are, those were groups that you got CDs (the 1990‘s equivalent to iTunes or whatever. I’m not too sure how kids listen to music nowadays since I’m an old codger with hairy knuckles and an ever growing bald spot) for a really low price, providing...
2 tags
Soy
Whenever anyone tries to get me to eat something that has soy in it I invariably lie and tell them that I’m allergic. Now, most people will, upon hearing that, forget that I believe that food allergies are make-believe. Either that or they think that I’m saying that as an attention getter like everyone else that’s allergic to anything.
The truth is that soy products are gross...
November 2010
2 posts
“So in order to not be locked a room of assorted dicks I took bowling. It only...”
– me.
3 tags
PeePants
TheKid: MOM COME QUICK!!! JOHNNY PEED HIS PANTS!!!
MyGirlfriend: What? What the Hell?!?! Johnny! Go get cleaned up! You're too old to be peeing your pants! Why would you DO THAT?
TheKid: He couldn't get to the bathroom!
MyGirlfriend: Why not? What was going on that he couldn't get to the bathroom?!?!
TheKid: I was sitting on him.
MyGirlfriend: (*headpalm*) Why were you sitting on him?
TheKid: Because! He was gonna go to the bathroom! and I didn't want him to GO!
MyGirlfriend: *sigh* YoYou can't do it. OK?
TheKid: Jeeze... Why didn't you tell me that BEFORE?!?!?!
October 2010
5 posts
2 tags
“My dad used to be able to finish the Sunday Times crossword puzzle in about 20...”
– From my profile on a dating site. It’s pretty good at describing …. me.
3 tags
California
TheKid: (pointing to some Mexican/South American teenagers walking down the street) I bet those guys are from California.
Me: (Thinking he's being somehow racist even though he's only 6) What the hell are you talking about? Those kids are from South America or something.
TheKid: Oh... I thought they were from California because they dressed pretty cool. (They were dressed like rocker teens from the suburbs because... well... I guess they were.)
Me: Oh... Well... Yeah... I guess I'd probably wanna hang out with them If I were still in High School.
3 tags
My Cousin Louis
My cousin Louis was mentally handicapped. Since I normally use “retarded” as an insult I’m not going to call him that. Because I thought he was an awesome guy.
He was a creepy looking dude, dressed all in black with a black trench coat and had long messy stringy greasy hair and a scraggly beard and watched Startrek and was just gross and weird and awesome. He looked like...
4 tags
Wiggady Weiner
lastanarchyangel: yay! now get on all fours and bark for me bitch!
fattie20xl: two words: no chance.
lastanarchyangel: ummm y not ?
fattie20xl: 'cause you're the widdady wiener.
lastanarchyangel: bull shit !!!
fattie20xl: it's true wiggady wiener. you ARE the wiggady wiener.
lastanarchyangel: well now i will cry ?
fattie20xl: i guess so.
fattie20xl: i mean... there's not much choice in the matter now, is there?
lastanarchyangel: well i am a cool wiggady wiener
fattie20xl: no.
fattie20xl: there's nothing cool about that.
fattie20xl: that's like... sombreros
lastanarchyangel: if i am one then it is cool
fattie20xl: if you say so. but just because you say so dosn't mean it's true. i mean... i say that i'm totally awesome... ok that's a bad example 'cause i'm totally awesome and all the dudes want to give me high-fives and all the ladies want to smootch..
lastanarchyangel: no
fattie20xl: ... yeah.
fattie20xl: i think you're right.
fattie20xl: but you're still the wiggady wiener.
2 tags
“Get the fuck off of my grave, you shitheads!”
– my brother doing an impression of my dad when we went to the gravesite.
September 2010
7 posts
2 tags
Getting "Walked In On"
My niece has an 11 year old kid. She also has a boyfriend.
… DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNN
So she’s getting some and the kid walks out of his room to use the bathroom and hears some struggling in her room and opens the door and sees what nobody should EVER see!
and he runs away and hides in his room!
He then comes out and goes “YOU SEE?!?!!? THIS IS WHY I DON’T LIKE YOU...
3 tags
Deliveries
Something that pisses me off: When I order something and UPS/Fedex doesn’t deliver it. They claim to have made an attempt… but I get a little post-it on my door and then I don’t have my Doctor Who Comemerative Collectors Socks. Or whatever garbage I decide to spend my unemployment check on.
A couple of weeks ago I ordered some computer parts and I’m sitting home waiting...
3 tags
“I know you know where I live. You sleep with my MOM!!!!”
– My Girlfriend’s 5 year old boy. In response to me threatening him with “you can run all you want… but I’ll get you. I know where you live…”
And I totally think that a 5 year old boy means SLEEP and not “SLEEP”
Also? This was at his...
3 tags
The Hickletts
I’m not exactly sure of the family structure of this group. I believe that it was two sisters who were living with a cousin of their’s. There was even stories of a third cousin flown in from Nebraska. I don’t really know… Because I wasn’t allowed to associate with them. For more than the obvious reasons.
All together there were at least 30 kids with a spread of...
3 tags
“Why would you pee on your girlfriend’s face? That doesn’t make any...”
– My girlfriend’s 5 year old boy talking to my scruffy dog because he was peeing and got it on my girl’s dog’s face.
3 tags
An Embarrassing Event
My friend Don takes these photography classes at the same school as me. It’s his major and that’s fine. We need people with useless degrees who don’t know how to operate the cable remote so that I can charge them thousands of dollars to make them feel emasculated.
Don’t think, though, that Don’s useless. He’s a source of much entertainment for me. Like...
2 tags
This One Time when Hickletts Tried to Burn My...
When I was a kid I lived in this old Victorian house. It was part of a set. My neighbor’s house was the exact same layout, which didn’t really happen over a century ago. Not like today’s home-manufacturing industry which is all about track houses and Mc Mansions where all houses look like they’re stamped out like in the Homer Price stories…. each with a picture of...
August 2010
3 posts
2 tags
“I know you were playing Starwars with your wiener…”
– My Girlfriend’s kid when the three of us were in the car.
The kid was making noise because that’s what kids do. So when my girlfriend and I asked what he was doing he blurts that out….
I wasn’t “Playing Starwars” with my wiener.
I’ve never...
5 tags
Sick
I couple of weeks ago I had to take a mid-term exam in my Probabilities & Statistics class. I got sick from eating a bad burrito or something. I know I shouldn’t eat at questionable taco stands run by guys that don’t even speak Spanish but 3 tacos for a dollar is too good a deal to pass up even if it means that you shit your asshole inside out.
So I get up in the morning and...
3 tags
“I just want you to know that all the drinks you spilt on me last night stained...”
– My girlfriend’s cousin complaining of, what i think was, laugh-spittle from Mike’s Hard Lemonaide…
July 2010
2 posts
“Garbagemen are fat slobs that drive around in ther trucks all day eating...”
– My 10yo nephew… explaining why the garbage men didn’t take my garbage the other day….
June 2010
3 posts
4 tags
“Piece of evidence No. 73 why my family is batshit crazy: My little sister:...”
– from a “Facebook” status message that my sister left earlier today…
3 tags
Clogging Toilets
myGF: KID!!! you can’t flush softball sized wads of toilet paper! It clogs the toilet!!!
kid: but MOM! It was a BIG poop!!!!
myGF: I don’t CARE! You’re not wiping the poop! You’re wiping your but!
kid: but mom!
myGF: No “buts”! If you clog the toilet with toilet paper you’re gonna eat it! Like matzo-ball soup!
kid: That’s gross!!!
4 tags
May 2010
7 posts
3 tags
Sex Ed. Part 2
Boy: [My 5 year old nephew]
Auntie: [His Aunt who's a sex-ed teacher and a counselor at a teen drop-in center]
Boy: (Holding up a bag of condoms) What's this?
Auntie: ... Those are Condoms, sweety. Don't play with them, OK?
Boy: Why?
Auntie: Those are for grownups. They're not for you.
Boy: What do they do?
Auntie: They go on your penie. When your penie's big enough that they fit then I'll tell you more, OK? Now put those away...
Boy: OK. (puts the condoms back in her bag. Pulls out a pack of finger condoms) ... Hey Auntie! These will fit on my penie! Now tell me what they're for!!!!
3 tags
Sex Ed.
My girlfriend has a five year old son who decided to tell us how babies get into their mommy’s bellies. “The daddy puts it there with his balls!!!” he said with great enthusiasm while pointing to his own personal parts.
This is a little better than how I learned it’s done.
You see, when I was his age in 1985 there was a HUGE AIDS scare thing going on. There were...
3 tags
**UPDATE**: Good Times Spa
Re: Good Times Spa
They’re back open. But with a new name… “Smile Body Work”…. Same Craigslist add too.
Who wants in on a pool for how long they’ll stay open?
2 tags
3 tags
Catastrophic Chair Failure
I’m fat. I admit it. Hell, I ADVERTISE it. But I’m also a self-aware fatty. I know what chairs I can sit in, and when I’ve just got to lean up against a sturdy I-Beam.
And I don’t even walk with a cane.
This one guy, however, that went to my niece’s job to start up an account… is fat. And semi-retarted.
This guy’s so fat he has to have special...
2 tags
“…and one time! at my daddy’s house?! I pooped in the toilet and he...”
– My girlfriend’s kid. She said that she never told him to use a towel.
5 tags
Boogey Man
I’m 30 years old. I have a girlfriend and a dog and my girlfriend has a dog. But there are some things that would make you question that.
Like when I’m home alone at night and I’ve just watched a scary movie from the 1980’s and I hear something and then I swear that there’s some sort of space pirate or zombie or the Red Guy from Legend or something in my closet...
April 2010
4 posts
4 tags
Good Times Spa
There used to be a nail salon around the corner from my house where i’d get my self a mani/pedi (#nometro as i’d type in my twitter account) called “Judy Nails”. When I was a kid that place was a Chinese resteraunt that my dad would take us to for special occasions. It’s where I fell in love with wonton soup.
Sadly, they closed in the mid-90’s. But...
2 tags
“There’s this hill over there and it’s called “Happy...”
– My girlfriend’s five-year-old son, talking about this hill off the side of the highway where there’s all sorts of grass and gross stuff… in New Jersey…
3 tags
Poopoos!
I smell poop. I’m not sure where it’s coming from, because I’ve got my windows open. I know it’s not MY poop, because I keep a fairly well ordered poop journal.
I’ve been looking around my house for one of Scruffydog’s poops, to no avail. He’s usually pretty good about keeping his poos in his cage, on his weewee pads (if he didn’t go outside). ...
3 tags
Weekend At Grandma's
When I was a kid my niece was jealous that my little sister and I would spend time with my grandma. She wanted to spend a weekend with Grandma to show how everyone how cool she was… and prove that she’s the favorite great-grandchild.
Or something.
I’m not sure.
You see, Grandma was… gross. and scary.
She used to fall asleep, snoring and cursing in her sleep...
March 2010
9 posts
4 tags
Golden Lake
When I was a kid my mom and my friend’s mom made us play outside. All the time.
This isn’t so odd because in the 1980’s we only had like 4 TV stations and no real internet. But we had Huffy bikes. And parks.
So my friend Andy and I would get our bikes and ride up to this park and play there all the time. Even though there were crackheads, and trench coat flashers...
2 tags
Not Your Real Mother
MySister: "Oh, come on *SON*, you know I'm your real mother."
HerKid: "I'm seriously beginning to question it."
MySister: "I guess that's what 19 years of telling your child you aren't his real mother does to you..."
2 tags
“It’s a good thing that you’re so huge and bald. It makes finding...”
– —My girlfriend.
She left her phone in her car in a parking lot and had to find me in Times Square. On a Saturday Night. She totally did find me too. I’m hard to miss…
2 tags
Clairebeast In The Caffeteria.
I have some gossip about Clairebeast, the girl that mortally and psychologically wounded me 23 years ago, at the tender age of 7. I know that this is one of those “Urban Legend” style tales. Too wild and loony to believe. However, I saw it with my own eyes. And I have other witnesses. Witnesses that aren’t fat kids. Who don’t lie.
For reasons that escape me, and...
4 tags
“That lady did some voodoo on your hat!”
– —Some crazy lady that my sister overheard on Main St. here in my hometown.
The hat?
… Based on the descriptions given.
3 tags
An Interesting Injury
When I was in first grade i was super smart. I got to sit at the head of the class, and when all the other turdlings couldn’t answer the questions it was my fat ass that got called up to the blackboard. This caused jelousy from some of the other students. Like ClairBeast.
ClairBeast’s real name is not too important, but suffice it to say I will hold a grudge against her for the...
3 tags
Poops!
A friend of mine works at a retail store where they sell video games. They keep the games in glass cases, and then add a sort of security lock to the little bar that the games are attached to, so that you can’t just grab a game, you have to ask for it. It’s called “Loss Prevention” and is a big part of corporate retail strategies. (The more you know….)
So some...
3 tags
“Why don’t you have a job? My aunt has a job AND goes to school AND...”
– —My girlfriend’s five-year-old son. He was seriously concerned.
And no, my girlfriend didn’t help me out. I had to fend for myself on that one.