March 2010
9 posts
4 tags
Golden Lake
When I was a kid my mom and my friend’s mom made us play outside. All the time.
This isn’t so odd because in the 1980’s we only had like 4 TV stations and no real internet. But we had Huffy bikes. And parks.
So my friend Andy and I would get our bikes and ride up to this park and play there all the time. Even though there were crackheads, and trench coat flashers...
2 tags
Not Your Real Mother
MySister: "Oh, come on *SON*, you know I'm your real mother."
HerKid: "I'm seriously beginning to question it."
MySister: "I guess that's what 19 years of telling your child you aren't his real mother does to you..."
2 tags
“It’s a good thing that you’re so huge and bald. It makes finding...”
– —My girlfriend.
She left her phone in her car in a parking lot and had to find me in Times Square. On a Saturday Night. She totally did find me too. I’m hard to miss…
2 tags
Clairebeast In The Caffeteria.
I have some gossip about Clairebeast, the girl that mortally and psychologically wounded me 23 years ago, at the tender age of 7. I know that this is one of those “Urban Legend” style tales. Too wild and loony to believe. However, I saw it with my own eyes. And I have other witnesses. Witnesses that aren’t fat kids. Who don’t lie.
For reasons that escape me, and...
4 tags
“That lady did some voodoo on your hat!”
– —Some crazy lady that my sister overheard on Main St. here in my hometown.
The hat?
… Based on the descriptions given.
3 tags
An Interesting Injury
When I was in first grade i was super smart. I got to sit at the head of the class, and when all the other turdlings couldn’t answer the questions it was my fat ass that got called up to the blackboard. This caused jelousy from some of the other students. Like ClairBeast.
ClairBeast’s real name is not too important, but suffice it to say I will hold a grudge against her for the...
3 tags
Poops!
A friend of mine works at a retail store where they sell video games. They keep the games in glass cases, and then add a sort of security lock to the little bar that the games are attached to, so that you can’t just grab a game, you have to ask for it. It’s called “Loss Prevention” and is a big part of corporate retail strategies. (The more you know….)
So some...
3 tags
“Why don’t you have a job? My aunt has a job AND goes to school AND...”
– —My girlfriend’s five-year-old son. He was seriously concerned.
And no, my girlfriend didn’t help me out. I had to fend for myself on that one.
4 tags
My Sister is Afraid of Intimacy
It’s been snowing lately and my sister, humanitarian that she is, was shoveling her elderly neighbor’s sidewalk when this guy pulls up in his guidomobile and blocks the guy’s driveway totally ignoring all established protocols for decent manners. My sister waits until the guy comes out of the 4-wheel-drive-penile-compensator and tells the ponytailed balding man that he simply...