Why the fuck is there a turtle in the sink? IT SMELLS LIKE TURTLE!!!!!
I go to pour myself a glass of water and what do i find? a turtle. WTF? I want water. Not salmenela.
"Piece of evidence No. 73 why my family is batshit crazy: My little sister: “Jewish blood tastes like pennies.” My niece, in response, “Then what does Christian blood taste like?” My sister: “Not like pennies.--from a “Facebook” status message that my sister left earlier today…
Clogging Toilets
- myGF: KID!!! you can’t flush softball sized wads of toilet paper! It clogs the toilet!!!
- kid: but MOM! It was a BIG poop!!!!
- myGF: I don’t CARE! You’re not wiping the poop! You’re wiping your but!
- kid: but mom!
- myGF: No “buts”! If you clog the toilet with toilet paper you’re gonna eat it! Like matzo-ball soup!
- kid: That’s gross!!!
I got a new tattoo last week.
Sex Ed. Part 2
- Boy: [My 5 year old nephew]
- Auntie: [His Aunt who's a sex-ed teacher and a counselor at a teen drop-in center]
- Boy: (Holding up a bag of condoms) What's this?
- Auntie: ... Those are Condoms, sweety. Don't play with them, OK?
- Boy: Why?
- Auntie: Those are for grownups. They're not for you.
- Boy: What do they do?
- Auntie: They go on your penie. When your penie's big enough that they fit then I'll tell you more, OK? Now put those away...
- Boy: OK. (puts the condoms back in her bag. Pulls out a pack of finger condoms) ... Hey Auntie! These will fit on my penie! Now tell me what they're for!!!!
