FatKidsLie

"Get the fuck off of my grave, you shitheads!

My niece has an 11 year old kid. She also has a boyfriend.

… DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNN

So she’s getting some and the kid walks out of his room to use the bathroom and hears some struggling in her room and opens the door and sees what nobody should EVER see!

and he runs away and hides in his room!

He then comes out and goes “YOU SEE?!?!!? THIS IS WHY I DON’T LIKE YOU HAVING GUYS SLEEP OVER!”

Something that pisses me off: When I order something and UPS/Fedex doesn’t deliver it. They claim to have made an attempt… but I get a little post-it on my door and then I don’t have my Doctor Who Comemerative Collectors Socks. Or whatever garbage I decide to spend my unemployment check on.

A couple of weeks ago I ordered some computer parts and I’m sitting home waiting for them, even though I had better things to do like ogle the semi,-cute girl at the Starbucks, making her feel uncomfortable and that I’ve violated her life by simply ordering a frikkin toffee-nut latte. But I couldn’t do that because the day before I got the fucking post-it note on the door! And that note said that next time? THAT WILL BE THE END!!!

So I’m sitting in my bedroom and I look out the window and I see a dude in a brown uniform bringing a package out of my house. “MOTHERFUCKER” I shouted! and I jumped down the stairs and ran out in my Captain Planet boxer shorts. Because I’ll be damned if I’m gonna go all the way to Best Buy or something to purchase the parts that I needed rather than have them delivered, even though I’d get them the same day and more to the point not have to sit around all day waiting to get it.

But that’s also not the point. The guy blatantly lied that he rang my bell. If he did then my scruffy dog would’ve been doing backflips thinking that I ordered some chineesefood or pizza or something. Because he knows that when the doorbell rings, he gets people food.

The delivery guy seemed pissed off that he had to bring the package out of the truck. They seem to not WANT to deliver stuff, which I guess is understandable because they spend all day delivering stuff that they can’t ever afford but it’s right there in their hands and they can almost feel the Wii controller or whatever it is that people buy (I only buy computer parts and Prussian Erotic Lithographs so I’m a little out of it).

But I still don’t get it because they have to schlep the boxes from the truck to the house and then back to the truck. Wouldn’t it make sense to leave it there? It seems that they’re doing more work to not do their jobs. But that’s what happens in America… I guess. That’s what we teach our kids? I dunno. I’m half drunk so I don’t really know what I’m saying.

Then yesterday I hear someone banging on my front door, so I go there with a meat-cleaver… fully prepared for BATTLE and it’s a FedEX guy. “Are you Mr. Roy?” … Roy lives downstairs from me. And that’s his first name. So I said “Yeah… sure…” The guy said “You no Mr Roy. Why he not home?”

He had genuine shock in his voice… like he’s expecting people to be home. All the time. Is there some sort of segment of the public that stays home all day ordering shit off of the internet and not working? I mean… other than me? And maybe Peggy Bundy? (did they have the internet back then? no right?)

Anyway… getting back to it… I think that those “We tried to deliver your shit but no… not really. We’re fucktastic.” notes have to go. And next time I get one I’m gonna go put on a lucha-mask, Power Rangers Tightie-Whities and my Golden Girls bedsheet as a cape and chase down the truck and then yell right in his face while pissing myself. I think that’ll get my message across.

"I know you know where I live. You sleep with my MOM!!!!

My Girlfriend’s 5 year old boy. In response to me threatening him with “you can run all you want… but I’ll get you. I know where you live…”

And I totally think that a 5 year old boy means SLEEP and not “SLEEP”

Also? This was at his grandmother’s birthday party. Where his grandfather was hanging out. Not 20 yards from his bow-hunting gear….

I’m not exactly sure of the family structure of this group. I believe that it was two sisters who were living with a cousin of their’s. There was even stories of a third cousin flown in from Nebraska. I don’t really know… Because I wasn’t allowed to associate with them. For more than the obvious reasons.

All together there were at least 30 kids with a spread of 25 years from youngest to oldest. The government eventually stepped in and took the kids. They in fact had a special court order that any hospital in the area had to call them when one of them was born. The kids are now spread all across Staten Island. They’re all retarteds and useless to society.

It’s not like they ALL don’t try. One tried to join the army but failed the entrance exam. Another works at the coffee shop across the street from me. And by “works” I mean that sometimes she blows the Albanian drug dealers in the back room for free meth. But at least that’s something, yaknow? I’ll give points for working within your means.

I remember their house… It was up the block from me. Just remember that I live in a semi-suburban area of New York City… Not Detroit or Alabama or nuthin..

The front door was missing a hinge. When they’d open it it’d swing in all sorts of weird directions. Like a palsy patient. Only it’s a door. Not some poor schmuck.

They had actual cardboard in the windows. There was a PILE of tires in the yard. They even had a piece of plywood crookedly and precariously nailed to cover a hole in the wall.

Eventually the house burned down. Nobody was in there. Or at least, nobody of any significance. I mean, they MIGHT have had a kid or two in cages. You know.. the ones that are too deformed and weird and psycho to live amongst society. Like the creatures from any cannibal horror move where there’s hillbillies and inbreeding and stuff…

I’m pretty sure they were there. At night? I could swear I heard howling ….