Something that pisses me off: When I order something and UPS/Fedex doesn’t deliver it. They claim to have made an attempt… but I get a little post-it on my door and then I don’t have my Doctor Who Comemerative Collectors Socks. Or whatever garbage I decide to spend my unemployment check on.

A couple of weeks ago I ordered some computer parts and I’m sitting home waiting for them, even though I had better things to do like ogle the semi,-cute girl at the Starbucks, making her feel uncomfortable and that I’ve violated her life by simply ordering a frikkin toffee-nut latte. But I couldn’t do that because the day before I got the fucking post-it note on the door! And that note said that next time? THAT WILL BE THE END!!!

So I’m sitting in my bedroom and I look out the window and I see a dude in a brown uniform bringing a package out of my house. “MOTHERFUCKER” I shouted! and I jumped down the stairs and ran out in my Captain Planet boxer shorts. Because I’ll be damned if I’m gonna go all the way to Best Buy or something to purchase the parts that I needed rather than have them delivered, even though I’d get them the same day and more to the point not have to sit around all day waiting to get it.

But that’s also not the point. The guy blatantly lied that he rang my bell. If he did then my scruffy dog would’ve been doing backflips thinking that I ordered some chineesefood or pizza or something. Because he knows that when the doorbell rings, he gets people food.

The delivery guy seemed pissed off that he had to bring the package out of the truck. They seem to not WANT to deliver stuff, which I guess is understandable because they spend all day delivering stuff that they can’t ever afford but it’s right there in their hands and they can almost feel the Wii controller or whatever it is that people buy (I only buy computer parts and Prussian Erotic Lithographs so I’m a little out of it).

But I still don’t get it because they have to schlep the boxes from the truck to the house and then back to the truck. Wouldn’t it make sense to leave it there? It seems that they’re doing more work to not do their jobs. But that’s what happens in America… I guess. That’s what we teach our kids? I dunno. I’m half drunk so I don’t really know what I’m saying.

Then yesterday I hear someone banging on my front door, so I go there with a meat-cleaver… fully prepared for BATTLE and it’s a FedEX guy. “Are you Mr. Roy?” … Roy lives downstairs from me. And that’s his first name. So I said “Yeah… sure…” The guy said “You no Mr Roy. Why he not home?”

He had genuine shock in his voice… like he’s expecting people to be home. All the time. Is there some sort of segment of the public that stays home all day ordering shit off of the internet and not working? I mean… other than me? And maybe Peggy Bundy? (did they have the internet back then? no right?)

Anyway… getting back to it… I think that those “We tried to deliver your shit but no… not really. We’re fucktastic.” notes have to go. And next time I get one I’m gonna go put on a lucha-mask, Power Rangers Tightie-Whities and my Golden Girls bedsheet as a cape and chase down the truck and then yell right in his face while pissing myself. I think that’ll get my message across.