Whenever anyone tries to get me to eat something that has soy in it I invariably lie and tell them that I’m allergic. Now, most people will, upon hearing that, forget that I believe that food allergies are make-believe. Either that or they think that I’m saying that as an attention getter like everyone else that’s allergic to anything.

The truth is that soy products are gross iand not a substitute for meat or cheese or real milk with lots of milk fat from a cow’s ginormous 4-nippled tit. Oh… wait.. I mean “teat”. Because otherwise I’m being vulgar.

Here are some facts about soy:

  • Soy was invented by Hitler (universally agreed upon as just about the worst person ever)
  • Soy makes men’s penis-holes close up for good.
  • Soy farmers do not care about black people.
  • The bullet that Johnny Cash used when he shot a man in Reno? Yeah. That was soy-based.
  • Christopher Columbus’ Small Pox blankets were made with soy-fibers.