When I was a kid my mom and my friend’s mom made us play outside. All the time.

This isn’t so odd because in the 1980’s we only had like 4 TV stations and no real internet. But we had Huffy bikes. And parks.

So my friend Andy and I would get our bikes and ride up to this park and play there all the time. Even though there were crackheads, and trench coat flashers and bad-touch vans we went about a half mile away from our homes, with no parental supervision.

So anyway ahem we’d hang out at the park and talk about how icky girls like Clairebeast were. And one day, we found out that the lake in the park was our local emergency reservoir (because a kid got drowned in there because he was swimming and they turned on the pumps for a maintainance check or something and he got sucked in …).

So after being lectured by our own parents, and then every one of our friend’s parents and the representative from the Water Board and our school’s principal the main thing that Andy and I got out of that is that we could pee in the lake. And then everyone would drink our pees.

And that. Would. Be. AWESOME

At this park there’s a bridge with two pump-houses. Where hobos sometimes stashed jugs of booze and drugs and crackheads sometimes died or whatever it is that they do… So, we’d get on the bridge, climb onto the stone railing and then pee. Every day. For an entire summer.

The other day, my girlfriend and I went to the park and I told her about this. Then I did some mental calculations, and realized how dumb we were. Because the whole thing is cleaned before it gets to your taps. And also the amount of pee 2 8 year old boys can produce is nothing compared to the sheer volume of water in that lake.

Also, if we peed in there, and then we drank it, we’d be drinking our own pee too. That part simply failed to register in our little 2nd grader minds. Because boys are retarted.

All of us.

Forever.