So I’ve long been saying that peanut allergies are fake. Even though I have a nephew and a sister-in-law who are both deathly allergic to peanuts and tree nuts and have to carry around all sorts of pills in case they accidentally eat a nut I still call “bullshit” whenever I hear the panic of “ZOMGZ NUTS! I’MMA GONNA DIE!!!”

I thought that enough was enough when I was taking the bus to work one morning and I got yelled at for eating a Little Debbie brownie. They’re my favorite except for maybe the Chocolate-Chip Cookie Cream Pies or the Zebra Cakes or the Fudge Rounds or… ok.. I’m fat so I love ALL Little Debbie cakes. Except the Raisin-Cookie Cream Pie. That’s just disgusting.

But I got yelled at by some fat ghetto-mom with one toof missing and a hankercheif wrapped around her utters for a shirt. And about 30lbs of “bling” around her neck and her nails all did. I thought she was mad because I was eating an awesome snack-cake and her doctor at the free clinic told her that she’s one Big-Mac away from losing her feet… or maybe she was looking out for my health! Oh, that would have restored some faith in humanity… but no. She was upset because of the nuts.

“SOME CHILD MIGHT BE ON THE BUS AND THEY COULD BE ALLERGIC AND YOU’D’VE KILLED THEM!!!” is what she was screaming at me so loud it over powered Dinosaur Jr.…

I looked up at her and opened up my Wafer Bar…

But that was just mildly annoying. Now? Now I can’t bring peanuts into work because one of the Employees, Clients, Truck Drivers, Sanitation Workers or their children might MIGHT be allergic. And they don’t want to be held “liable”.

The Memo clearly states that We can’t bring peanuts, tree nuts, their byproducts or anything cooked in their oils to work. Repeat offenders will be subject to “disciplinary actions”.

I’m calling “BULLSHIT” on this because:

  1. People can still ORDER takeout from Thai resteraunts.
  2. The vending machine is stocked full of Snickers, Baby Ruth, Payday and Take-5 Bars.
  3. Nobody should be touching my lunch except for me.
  4. You should wash your hands before you eat thereby removing nut particles.
  5. It’s totally moronic.

I know I tend to be an unsympathetic callous asshole at times so I’m asking if I’m totally wrong on this. Because I really would like to bring a Peanutbutter & Jelly sandwich to my next employee evaluation. And sodomize them with it.