FatKidsLie

This One Time when Hickletts Tried to Burn My House Down

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 10:29:12 -0400

When I was a kid I lived in this old Victorian house. It was part of a set. My neighbor’s house was the exact same layout, which didn’t really happen over a century ago. Not like today’s home-manufacturing industry which is all about track houses and Mc Mansions where all houses look like they’re stamped out like in the Homer Price stories…. each with a picture of Whistler’s Mother….

At one point the two houses were own by a family. This was so long ago that it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that the property line cut down the driveway.

My neighbor at the time was an old shutin. I remember visiting her house once and she had chicken wishbones strung up across her kitchen. She also had jars of various …. things in there. I swear she was Grimm’s Fairytales kind of witch. The kind that would put kids into the oven. And not just the jew kids.

Well one day I see some smoke coming out of the back yard and I walk down there…. I must’ve been like 12? I dunno. I was old enough to fight someone if I had a baseball bat or machete or whatever. But anyway I walked down there and there was this redheaded kid from up the block in there with some of his friends. They were smoking pot in my garage, and had knocked out the window to get in.

Now I know you’re thinking that 8 year old boys don’t smoke pot. Well, if they’re the 8th of 15 kids who are all half brothers and each other’s cousins… well…. yeah.

You see the father was in a poly-relationship with these two women… who were sisters…. Yeah… if you were in that family you’d be smoking pot at 8 too.

But I wasn’t too mad that they were smoking up. I didn’t want them in my garage. So I chased them out and they told me that the crazy lady next door rented them the garage. I told my mom and she and my dad had a conversation with her and it turned out that she did in fact rent them our garage. Because she claimed that it was her’s.

Yeah. Weird.

So the next day the red headed kid was back. My mom scared him away. And then he came back later that day with some of his brothers. And my mom chased them away….

I don’t think she went to the parents’ house. Because these weren’t the kind of people that you can reason with. These are the kind of people that had all their kids taken away and then had a court order that they get their tubes tied….

So the next day my dad hears some ruckus coming from the back yard and gets his hatchet and goes back there to see flames coming out of the garage. He puts the fire out and then picks the kids up by the neck (yes the kid was dumb and inbred enough to stand around) and asks him to explain…

Well the kid thought that it’d be a good idea to light fireworks in the garage. Not that it was ANYWHERE near July 4th…. I believe it was in November.

So up the block my dad went. Past the hippies with no shoes; Past the black Vietnam vet who sat on his porch with his shotgun; Past the Albanian whorehouse until he got to the hick-shack. Where he kicked the door in and threatened to perform a citizen’s castration.

After that? Nobody messed with my garage.

"I know you were playing Starwars with your wiener…"

Tue, 17 Aug 2010 11:00:46 -0400

“I know you were playing Starwars with your wiener…”

- My Girlfriend’s kid when the three of us were in the car.

The kid was making noise because that’s what kids do. So when my girlfriend and I asked what he was doing he blurts that out….

I wasn’t “Playing Starwars” with my wiener.

I’ve never “Played Starwars” with my wiener.

I can only GUESS at what “Playing Starwars” could mean, and how could a 5 year old boy come up with that?

Sick

Mon, 09 Aug 2010 11:29:16 -0400

I couple of weeks ago I had to take a mid-term exam in my Probabilities & Statistics class. I got sick from eating a bad burrito or something. I know I shouldn’t eat at questionable taco stands run by guys that don’t even speak Spanish but 3 tacos for a dollar is too good a deal to pass up even if it means that you shit your asshole inside out.

So I get up in the morning and instantly puke out a few organs. I then go and shower and then think that I’m gonna fart but I totally shit in the shower. I’ve NEVER done that. Not even as a baby.

When I was a baby the WORST thing I’ve ever done was going boomboom in the cat’s litter box. I was totally proud of it too. Because I thought that I was helping the environment by not having to flush. Also around that time I peed and I missed the toilet and then my mom got mad at me and rubbed my nose in it like a dog.

So anyway I mistakenly think that I can take this mid-term exam that covers everything up to conditional discrete and continuous probability and also reverse conditional probabilities… Midway through the exam I realize that I’m gonna be sick… so I hurry up and answer as best as I can, but I can barely read the questions since I’m running a fever and I’m sweating a gallon an hour….

As soon as I’m done I hand in the test and run to the bathroom. I sit on the toilet and EXPLODE all over inside it. While on the bowl I call my sister and say “Yo! I need a ride…. I’m sick and if I have to take the bus then someone’s gonna die. And it’s gonna be me”

I then realize I’m gonna puke again so I stand up and totally don’t make it to the bowl where I was puking. I wind up puking ALL over the floor. Puking bits of steak and onion burrito. Identifiable chunks. So that you would know, even without a biology degree or any forensic training. You could also see the Pepto Bismal in the mix.

Midway through my projectile hurling I realize that I have to shoot some shit outta my ass. Again. So as I’m turning around, trying to hold my pants out of the puke on the floor, I slip and get puke all over my pants. And then shit all over the floor. The sight and smell of my shit and the knowledge that I’m now sitting in a puddle of my own puke-shit makes me puke down my shirt.

I call my sister again, and tell her to bring me a change of clothes.

Why didn’t I take my pants off and hang them up? WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT”!?!!? the answer is “Me. Now. Forever.”

Just to not take that risk.

So now I’m filthy. And I realize that I answered a question TOTALLY wrong on the test. I figured that I couldn’t really go and re-answer it because I was covered in my own sickness. Even though that would PROBABLY be evidence enough that I was sick so that I COULD re-answer that part… but I didn’t wanna bother.

All I wanted was to hide.

Like an emo kid from reality.

So I peek out of the bathroom and see that nobody’s around. So I run for the stairs and make it to the downstairs bathroom. Where I lock myself in a stall and start to cry.

I hear, from the hallway some howls of protest and then a bunch of students from my class come down and I hear that they could identify my dinner from the other night (Carne Enchilada taco vomit has a … UNIQUE smell…). And that at least one of them had added to it (Bacon Egg & Cheese Sandwich from the deli by campus).

I get a call from my sister that she’s on campus and I tell her to bring me my clothes… She goes to the window and hands them to me. She also took the initiative and bought some baby lotion so i don’t get diaper rash from my filthy sickness. I climb out of the window and I walk to the car.

the end.

"I just want you to know that all the drinks you spilt on me last night stained my legs and made me..."

Sun, 01 Aug 2010 21:38:45 -0400

“I just want you to know that all the drinks you spilt on me last night stained my legs and made me think my veins were popping out, therefore I thought I was dying. …Until my mom licked her finger and rubbed it off.”

- My girlfriend’s cousin complaining of, what i think was, laugh-spittle from Mike’s Hard Lemonaide…

"Garbagemen are fat slobs that drive around in ther trucks all day eating hoagies. They eat in the..."

Mon, 05 Jul 2010 13:31:00 -0400

“Garbagemen are fat slobs that drive around in ther trucks all day eating hoagies. They eat in the truck and don’t even wash their hands! Or their butts!”

- My 10yo nephew… explaining why the garbage men didn’t take my garbage the other day….

Why the fuck is there a turtle in the sink? IT SMELLS LIKE...

Fri, 02 Jul 2010 10:34:00 -0400

Why the fuck is there a turtle in the sink? IT SMELLS LIKE TURTLE!!!!!

I go to pour myself a glass of water and what do i find? a turtle. WTF? I want water. Not salmenela.

"Piece of evidence No. 73 why my family is batshit crazy: My little sister: “Jewish blood..."

Mon, 21 Jun 2010 21:53:29 -0400

“Piece of evidence No. 73 why my family is batshit crazy: My little sister: “Jewish blood tastes like pennies.” My niece, in response, “Then what does Christian blood taste like?” My sister: “Not like pennies.””

- from a “Facebook” status message that my sister left earlier today…

Clogging Toilets

Sat, 19 Jun 2010 14:08:00 -0400

myGF: KID!!! you can’t flush softball sized wads of toilet paper! It clogs the toilet!!!
kid: but MOM! It was a BIG poop!!!!
myGF: I don’t CARE! You’re not wiping the poop! You’re wiping your but!
kid: but mom!
myGF: No “buts”! If you clog the toilet with toilet paper you’re gonna eat it! Like matzo-ball soup!
kid: That’s gross!!!

I got a new tattoo last week.

Fri, 18 Jun 2010 13:38:00 -0400

I got a new tattoo last week.

Sex Ed. Part 2

Fri, 28 May 2010 09:31:27 -0400

Boy: [My 5 year old nephew]
Auntie: [His Aunt who's a sex-ed teacher and a counselor at a teen drop-in center]
Boy: (Holding up a bag of condoms) What's this?
Auntie: ... Those are Condoms, sweety. Don't play with them, OK?
Boy: Why?
Auntie: Those are for grownups. They're not for you.
Boy: What do they do?
Auntie: They go on your penie. When your penie's big enough that they fit then I'll tell you more, OK? Now put those away...
Boy: OK. (puts the condoms back in her bag. Pulls out a pack of finger condoms) ... Hey Auntie! These will fit on my penie! Now tell me what they're for!!!!

Sex Ed.

Wed, 26 May 2010 14:17:06 -0400

My girlfriend has a five year old son who decided to tell us how babies get into their mommy’s bellies. “The daddy puts it there with his balls!!!” he said with great enthusiasm while pointing to his own personal parts.

This is a little better than how I learned it’s done.

You see, when I was his age in 1985 there was a HUGE AIDS scare thing going on. There were commercials on TV even during the afternoon reruns of Diff’rent Strokes when kids were watching. Because it was THAT important. I guess. Since gradeschoolers in NYC were constantly boinking.

It just seemed that every other commercial was an AIDS or anti-drug PSA. I could be wrong, because I tend to exagerate in my mind and then eventually that egageration becomes the reality of my world. It isn’t totally the worst way to live, by the way. Since I have a firm memory of Lion-O High-fiveing me at a friend’s birthday party. And it was the REAL Lion-O. Not his uncle in a Lion-O costume.

Anyway… the AIDS commercials were fairly vague because god forbid you actually give real information to kids that they can use to learn the realities. So I was curious and I asked the one person who I knew knew EVERYthing.

My friend Charlie’s older brother. Who was in the fifth grade.

He was TWICE as old as me, and knew all the cheats and tricks in every Nintendo game. And he had a skateboard. And could do a little jump and that thing where you stomp on the back of it and it flips up and you can catch it and you look cool!!! He was the bestest!

So I asked him what AIDS was and he told me that it’s when you pee when you have sex. That’s how you catch AIDS. Also? If you let a dude look at you while you’re in the bathroom you can catch it too. Which is why Patrick McHeely used to try and jump up and peer over the stalls while I was pooping at school.

That, and I think he was disturbed.

UPDATE: Good Times Spa

Sun, 16 May 2010 12:31:48 -0400

Re: Good Times Spa

They’re back open. But with a new name… “Smile Body Work”…. Same Craigslist add too.

Who wants in on a pool for how long they’ll stay open?

This is my hoarding neighbor’s garage. There’s a...

Sat, 15 May 2010 16:56:21 -0400

This is my hoarding neighbor’s garage. There’s a vintage Cadillac in there.

It’s also where he hides the cats that he’s hoarding. The ones that poop in my backyard.

I don’t know why he’s got a lock on there, since there’s no back wall….

Catastrophic Chair Failure

Mon, 10 May 2010 11:02:57 -0400

I’m fat. I admit it. Hell, I ADVERTISE it. But I’m also a self-aware fatty. I know what chairs I can sit in, and when I’ve just got to lean up against a sturdy I-Beam.

And I don’t even walk with a cane.

This one guy, however, that went to my niece’s job to start up an account… is fat. And semi-retarted.

This guy’s so fat he has to have special over-engineered chairs. Something designed by the US. Army Corp of Engineers. Something that’s been hurricane tested by Boeing (for the farts). You see, MOST corporate office waiting areas don’t have that. They have particle board crap that LOOKS like it’s almost nice. Stuff that if you’re under a seventh of a ton you’re allowed to sit in. But for this guy, standing wasn’t an option. So he sat in a chair. And broke it.

After the explosion that lodged a piece of laminate in the ceiling and nearly poked out the secretary’s eye, the dust cleared and this guy was on his back, legs waving like a waterbeatle. The secretary had do go help him up. All 100lbs of her, and all 400lbs of him.

She’s going to be fine. She gets out of traction tomorrow. Don’t worry.

She did manage to get him up after crawling to the warehouse door, and calling for “3 big HUGE guys!!!” to come help her.

The customer got a huge discount on his sales.

"…and one time! at my daddy’s house?! I pooped in the toilet and he was out of toilet..."

Tue, 04 May 2010 10:59:49 -0400

“…and one time! at my daddy’s house?! I pooped in the toilet and he was out of toilet paper. So I did what you told me to do! I used a towel and I gave it to my dad so he can wash it!”

- My girlfriend’s kid. She said that she never told him to use a towel.

Boogey Man

Sat, 01 May 2010 11:22:48 -0400

I’m 30 years old. I have a girlfriend and a dog and my girlfriend has a dog. But there are some things that would make you question that.

Like when I’m home alone at night and I’ve just watched a scary movie from the 1980’s and I hear something and then I swear that there’s some sort of space pirate or zombie or the Red Guy from Legend or something in my closet or some sort of Sumarian demi-god living in my refrigerator or something. And we all know that the only thing that can defeat the Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krugers is Mommy.

It isn’t good enough that my girlfriend is a mommy, she can’t help me. The only one that can is MY mommy.

The problem is that I’m an adult, with my own home. And my mom doesn’t live here. In fact, right now she’s living in another country. So I have to get her on Skype and I take my laptop and put it under my bed so that the tentacle-rape monster can’t get me. She tells them to get out of there through a video conference.

The wonders of modern technology.

Good Times Spa

Wed, 28 Apr 2010 14:36:10 -0400

There used to be a nail salon around the corner from my house where i’d get my self a mani/pedi (#nometro as i’d type in my twitter account) called “Judy Nails”. When I was a kid that place was a Chinese resteraunt that my dad would take us to for special occasions. It’s where I fell in love with wonton soup.

Sadly, they closed in the mid-90’s. But that’s OK. Because I was then old enough to go to Chinatown on my own. But none of this is of any importance.

What IS important is that last week Judy Nails closed down and underwent a transformation. They tinted the windows, and covered the glass door so that you couldn’t see inside. They added mood-lighting that you COULD see from the outside, but… only from the windows that were all the way up like seven feet from the ground.

And they changed their name. To “Good Times Spa”.

Here’s some pics…

Those notices on the front gate? Here’s a close up….

and… yeah…

R.I.P Good Times Spa. We hardly knew ya.

But one thing begs for an answer: If you’re Asian, and you have a prostitution “massage” parlor… don’t you think that it’s a good idea to NOT name it Good Times Spa?!?!?! WTF!

"There’s this hill over there and it’s called “Happy Hill” ‘cause my..."

Sat, 24 Apr 2010 23:13:43 -0400

“There’s this hill over there and it’s called “Happy Hill” ‘cause my dad? his boss? he goes up there and he’s not allowed to drink because his wife says not to because it’s bad for his heart. ‘Cause he’s fat and his heart isn’t too good and it pumps too much and too hard and stuff. Well he goes up there and doesn’t tell his wife and he goes there to be happy and drink beers and not be yelled at or nuthin’. Up on the hill. on “Happy Hill”.”

- My girlfriend’s five-year-old son, talking about this hill off the side of the highway where there’s all sorts of grass and gross stuff… in New Jersey…

Poopoos!

Fri, 16 Apr 2010 11:22:14 -0400

I smell poop. I’m not sure where it’s coming from, because I’ve got my windows open. I know it’s not MY poop, because I keep a fairly well ordered poop journal.

I’ve been looking around my house for one of Scruffydog’s poops, to no avail. He’s usually pretty good about keeping his poos in his cage, on his weewee pads (if he didn’t go outside). But I can’t find any so… I’m pretty sure it’s not him.

I do have my windows open, so it could be one of the rancid cats that live in my neighbor’s crumbling garage (the one with the tree growing out of it). Rancidcats have been pooping in my back yard for years. I gave up on trying to keep it clean back there… because there’s too many cats. And they all have feline AIDS. And that’s just death…

…

I just looked outside and there’s a 4ft mountain of rancid cat poop. I’m pretty sure that’s what’s causing the poop smell. Problem solved.

Weekend At Grandma's

Tue, 06 Apr 2010 11:07:41 -0400

When I was a kid my niece was jealous that my little sister and I would spend time with my grandma. She wanted to spend a weekend with Grandma to show how everyone how cool she was… and prove that she’s the favorite great-grandchild.

Or something.

I’m not sure.

You see, Grandma was… gross. and scary.

She used to fall asleep, snoring and cursing in her sleep while smoking and watching the “fucking Mets”. She’d actually smoke in her sleep. We’d even make faces right in her face to see if she’d wake up, but there was no way… she was OUT!

The weekend that my niece decided to stay over was during passover, when jews can’t have …. most bread products. My little niece thought that she was gonna be struck dead for eating Roy Roger’s Chicken. She begged Grandma not to make her have it, but Grandma basically forced it down her throat.

Or told her “it’s this or you eat your own farts…” whatever.

That was breakfast (at 1pm). On the way back from there Grandma had… and accident. In the elevator going back to her apartment. Without saying a word, Grandma simply pissed down her leg and left a puddle with my niece looking wide-eyed and in shock.

While Grandma was cleaning herself, my niece couldn’t take it anymore and called her mom, my sister, to pick her up. In Queens. From Staten Island. Demanded that they get her “NOW NOW NOW” (and rightfully show) or else she’d be going home alone. On the subway. In 1987. At 8 Years Old.

While my niece was waiting she decided to watch TV in Grandma’s bedroom, which was not a good idea, and led to her not being able to eat chicken cutlets for years due to Grandma getting changed right in front of her, and nakedly picking up the panties that she dropped.

My niece didn’t realize that every time we went to Grandma’s my dad was there. To sort of… run interference. And also my mom. Who would take us outta there when Grandma was too… weird…

FatKidsLie

This One Time when Hickletts Tried to Burn My House Down

"I know you were playing Starwars with your wiener…"

Sick

"I just want you to know that all the drinks you spilt on me last night stained my legs and made me..."

"Garbagemen are fat slobs that drive around in ther trucks all day eating hoagies. They eat in the..."

Why the fuck is there a turtle in the sink? IT SMELLS LIKE...

"Piece of evidence No. 73 why my family is batshit crazy: My little sister: “Jewish blood..."

Clogging Toilets

I got a new tattoo last week.

Sex Ed. Part 2

Sex Ed.

**UPDATE**: Good Times Spa

This is my hoarding neighbor’s garage. There’s a...

Catastrophic Chair Failure

"…and one time! at my daddy’s house?! I pooped in the toilet and he was out of toilet..."

Boogey Man

Good Times Spa

"There’s this hill over there and it’s called “Happy Hill” ‘cause my..."

Poopoos!

Weekend At Grandma's

UPDATE: Good Times Spa