Clogging Toilets

  • myGF: KID!!! you can’t flush softball sized wads of toilet paper! It clogs the toilet!!!
  • kid: but MOM! It was a BIG poop!!!!
  • myGF: I don’t CARE! You’re not wiping the poop! You’re wiping your but!
  • kid: but mom!
  • myGF: No “buts”! If you clog the toilet with toilet paper you’re gonna eat it! Like matzo-ball soup!
  • kid: That’s gross!!!

 

Sex Ed. Part 2

  • Boy: [My 5 year old nephew]
  • Auntie: [His Aunt who's a sex-ed teacher and a counselor at a teen drop-in center]
  • Boy: (Holding up a bag of condoms) What's this?
  • Auntie: ... Those are Condoms, sweety. Don't play with them, OK?
  • Boy: Why?
  • Auntie: Those are for grownups. They're not for you.
  • Boy: What do they do?
  • Auntie: They go on your penie. When your penie's big enough that they fit then I'll tell you more, OK? Now put those away...
  • Boy: OK. (puts the condoms back in her bag. Pulls out a pack of finger condoms) ... Hey Auntie! These will fit on my penie! Now tell me what they're for!!!!
 

Bacon

  • me: What's in this bag?
  • Scruffydog: *woof?*
  • me: is it... it is! it's *BACON*!
  • Scruffydog: *woof?* {goes to itch phantom nuts}
  • me: would you like some ... *BACON*?
  • Scruffydog: Fuck yeah i would! what kinda nazi lovin queerdragon dosn't *LOVE* bacon?
  • me: ... but ...
  • Scruffydog: Listen, dude... just because i don't got no nuts don't mean i don't love bacon. Put that bacon in my mouth. DO IT!!!!
  • me: ... but ...
  • Scruffydog: that's it. i'm attacking.... {Scruffydog then steals the sock off of my left foot, kills it and stands triumphantly over it}
  • me: ... ok. here's your bacon.
 

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