"Piece of evidence No. 73 why my family is batshit crazy: My little sister: “Jewish blood tastes like pennies.” My niece, in response, “Then what does Christian blood taste like?” My sister: “Not like pennies.--from a “Facebook” status message that my sister left earlier today…
The Mayor of VanDuzer street
My block has a self appointed mayor. Like many blocks/neighborhoods all around America. These are people that just can’t keep to their own business, or more than likely don’t have their own business to keep to. These are people that comment on everyone else’s business but don’t have their own business in check.
Our mayor is a lifelong resident of our block. Commenting on the “Good Old Days ™” of when there were no business on the block… It was quieter… blah blah blah…
The best part about this guy is that he drives around town in a top of the line luxury car, a FULLY LOADED LEXUS. And by “drives around town” i mean goes to the deli, the Chinese takeaway and the All You Can Shovel Buffet. He then parks it in front of his house during the day to show that he owns it. That it belongs to him. Juxtaposed with his crumbling house, it is one of the most redunkulus sights you’ll ever see.
This guy’s house is falling down. That’s the easiest way to describe it. We’ll start with his back yard. Where he’s got a garage with a tree growing out of the roof. That’s 25 years of neglect right here. Trees don’t just sprout up fully formed over night. They usually take care, and effort and nurturing… and they USUALLY don’t grow up INSIDE a garage, causing the roof to collapse from the tree sprouting through the roof.
The main house looks like a shack from a Popeye cartoon… random pieces of wood holding it all together in a hodgepodge of patchworked haphazard carpentry. Random broken windows being boarded up with wire mesh and cardboard…
The building has 2 apartments. One of them is uninhabited.
About 10 years ago Mr Mayor decided to adopt a stray cat. The man loves cats. He’s constantly feeding the inbred feral monstrosities that pollute our shared back yard. He even lies and blames the “Crazy Lady” that goes back there and throws cat food all over the place… But I’ve seen him. He’s so loony about it that If he gets caught with a can of food he’ll hide it behind his back or he’ll scurry back indoors… so mutant..
Anyway Mr Mayor brought a cat into his apartment. That cat had kittens. Which then had kittens. With each other. He wound up abandoning the apartment to the cats, letting them live wild in there. There were so many cats that they were falling through holes in the wall of the building. The smell got so bad after a couple of years that people called the Dept. Of Health on him. He got rid of all the cats by taking a giant squirming garbage bag ….
I don’t know where he took that bag, other than “away”. not that it matters much.
He’s a hoarder of the worst variety. That bag was the ONLY thing that he’s ever taken out of his building. Nobody believed me, but then I had my sister look out there on garbage day for a few weeks.. Not. One. Bag.
But he’ll go looking at YOUR garbage. And commenting if you put out “too much”… But here’s the deal with the garbage men: You put out garbage? they make it go away.
When he dies I wanna go into his building. Just to see what sort of a disaster area it is. I think he just puts his garbage in the second floor apartment, since he can’t rent it out because of all of the dead cat parts all over the floor. It’s so bad that on those hot, humid summer days… you can smell the building like 3 blocks away.
Yesterday was garbage day. As I’m getting home, before my key’s in the lock “HEY! remember.. today’s GARBAGEDAY…. remember.. you can only put out a limited amount of garbage at any time…”
GAH! It’s time for a recall election.
