FatKidsLie

Once in the late 1980’s in Queens, NY where there were fully nude strip clubs on the main streets in a major city and drug dealers and pimps roamed the streets in fur coats and purple fedoras with giant peacock feathers attached to them like something out of a blacksploitation movie, my grandmother got mugged. It wasn’t really much of a mugging. The guy didn’t pull a knife or a gun or a stick with a nail in it or anything like that. It was really a snatch-and-grab type deal.

Some delinquent decided that an old lady, who was about 4ft nuthin’, wearing a mink coat would give up her sequined purse that was chock full of hard candy, a change of jewelry and a gangster roll of cash without a fight. But he didn’t realize that old people are usually not afraid to fight because they have no friends since they’ve outlived them all and are not afraid to die because they are old and get visits from the Grim Reaper every time they sit down on the toilet and will not take the kind of crap that stealing their purse in a snatch-and-grab type robbery entails from some young whippersnapper like you ya filthy punk hoodlum.

So when the guy tried to grab the bag and run away Grandma just stood there. Planted like the brick shithouse she was. The would-be robber just stopped, turned around, grabbed the purse with both hands, tried to pull it away and said what only some fucktarded criminal could possibly think of saying to a grandma that you’ve failed to mug: “Leggo th’ bag ya old bitch!”.

Grandma then reached back (like a pimp) and knocked that idiot out.

And knocked a tooth out of his head.

A construction worker was already rushing to her aid, took her by the hand and sat her down on a nearby bench. The robber started to get up and some kids said “no… you got knocked out by a grandma. You stay down now. You wait for the police to arrest you and take you away in a shameful way that you deserve.”

When the cops came they took one look at the robber, and then at my grandmother and wanted to arrest her for knocking him out so hard. So hard that he peed his pants.

My cousin Louis was mentally handicapped. Since I normally use “retarded” as an insult I’m not going to call him that. Because I thought he was an awesome guy.

He was a creepy looking dude, dressed all in black with a black trench coat and had long messy stringy greasy hair and a scraggly beard and watched Startrek and was just gross and weird and awesome. He looked like one of those guys that would listen to Nine Inch Nails or Type O or whatever, only I don’t think he listened to much music. I think he was just creepy looking.

He claimed he couldn’t read but I’m not so sure. How else could he have learned CB radio lingo, and given directions for a whole convoy of truckers to encircle my block by offering them cut-rate pep pills and blowjobs? Hell… How’d he find a hand-held CB radio anyway?

He couldn’t find his way around his neighborhood in Queens, yet he figured out how to escape from the institute (can I just say “asylum”?) by breaking into the HVAC ducts and shimmying his way out. He then walks up to his house and sits down at the kitchen table like nothing out of the ordinary’s going on.

Then there was the time that he went to Puerto Rico.

This was back in the days before 9/11 and everything so you could just… yaknow… get on a plane and fly. SOMEhow he gets to JFK airport and starts talking to the girl at the ticket sales counter: “Hey… I’ve heard Puerto Rico’s really nice… how much is it to go there?”; hands her all his money; gets on the plane and flies down there like you or I would get on the bus and go to the mall.

A day or two later his mom (my aunt) gets a call from a woman who says that Louis is sitting on their porch, in Puerto Rico, with no money to get home. The dude was sitting on the beach, in a black trench coat and hat, all dazed and confused (because of the heatstroke) and this woman took him in. My aunt thinks it’s a hoax, but then realizes that her son is weird enough to do shit like that.

"Get the fuck off of my grave, you shitheads!

My niece has an 11 year old kid. She also has a boyfriend.

… DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNN

So she’s getting some and the kid walks out of his room to use the bathroom and hears some struggling in her room and opens the door and sees what nobody should EVER see!

and he runs away and hides in his room!

He then comes out and goes “YOU SEE?!?!!? THIS IS WHY I DON’T LIKE YOU HAVING GUYS SLEEP OVER!”

"Piece of evidence No. 73 why my family is batshit crazy: My little sister: “Jewish blood tastes like pennies.” My niece, in response, “Then what does Christian blood taste like?” My sister: “Not like pennies.