FatKidsLie

Whenever anyone tries to get me to eat something that has soy in it I invariably lie and tell them that I’m allergic. Now, most people will, upon hearing that, forget that I believe that food allergies are make-believe. Either that or they think that I’m saying that as an attention getter like everyone else that’s allergic to anything.

The truth is that soy products are gross iand not a substitute for meat or cheese or real milk with lots of milk fat from a cow’s ginormous 4-nippled tit. Oh… wait.. I mean “teat”. Because otherwise I’m being vulgar.

Here are some facts about soy:

• Soy was invented by Hitler (universally agreed upon as just about the worst person ever)
• Soy makes men’s penis-holes close up for good.
• Soy farmers do not care about black people.
• The bullet that Johnny Cash used when he shot a man in Reno? Yeah. That was soy-based.
• Christopher Columbus’ Small Pox blankets were made with soy-fibers.

I don’t know why I thought of this incident, since it happened like, 13 years ago and I haven’t thought of it since. I’m sure that the statute of limitations has expired on this since it was just stupid…

When I was in highschool I got to take bowling instead of gym since I had a huge problem with group showers and changing in front of other people. Oddly enough I have little to no problem with public nudity, just the whole “all of us guys are showering together and parading around with our dicks out” thing kinda skeves me out a little. I’m all for gays being allowed to practice homosex all they want but even I have limits to what I’m comfortable experiencing.

I’d never make it in prison.

And like the man said “School is prison“… gymclass doubly so.

So in order to not be locked a room of assorted dicks I took bowling. It only met a couple times a week, so I got to get out early the other three days. Which was great for me because that meant I could drink 40z and smoke up at the train station or in my friend’s garage. It further proves that bowling is the slacker’s golf.

One day, after a particularly successful couple frames, I decided to get a Milkyway bar from the vending machine. I put in my 50c. I pushed E6 (which is always where you get a Milkyway bar), the screw turned and turned and turned and stoped. With my Milkyway bar still stuck in there.

Bastards. I stomped back and forth. Walked to Karen and Bill and said “Motherfucking machine took my money” Bill responded with “Take your revenge…” and handed me a 12lb green tigerseye bowling ball. WIth a chip in it. I looked at Karen, since she was a fairly attractive girl with GIANT boobs and I was 16 I had to do what she said. So I followed her advice when she said “Yes. Do it. It is the ONLY way…”.

I picked up the bowling ball and went over to the vending machine with Bill and Karen following and … the door was plexiglass. Which is a bitch and a half to break with a bowling ball lemmetellsya.

Now infuriated I grab the machine and start shaking it like a Polaroid picture or a baby under the care of a British nany or a fat chick on a bus or whatever shaking thing you can think of. Use your imagination. It won’t hurt.

The employees at the bowling alley as well as the teacher just stared in wonder and amazement as I flipped that vending machine over onto its front, and then upside down and back unseating all the snackfoods and dropping them to the bottom for easy access for all the miscreants in the class. I simply took my Milkeyway bar, and a couple baggies of combos (as payback for making me flip over the machine) and went back to bowling.

Milkeyways are that good.

I used to go to Chinatown all the time when I was younger. Now that I don’t have as much disposable income because of the economy and being a semi-adult I view a trip as a reward of sorts. I haven’t been to Chinatown since I had family over from California over the Summer and I figured “Hell.. Why not?”

I’m not one of those delicate people who have to have their food super sterilized to kill off all of the germs and also the flavor. I love the taste of danger. I’m the first one to eat food right out of a cart… I’m also known to eat “local” foods whenever I travel.

I’m like Andrew Zimmern in that. Also that I’m fat and bald.

A short list of things I’ve eaten in Chinatown:

• Thousand Year Old Egg
• Tripe Congee
• Blood Balls
• Mystery Meat-Onna-Stick
• Seaweed Juice
• Salted-cured Raw Duck egg yolks
• Candy-coated Raw Olives.

I do have to admit that the olives were a “mistake”. I honestly thought they were a sweetie because… hell, I don’t know the difference between too many different fruits so… I got tricked.

Also what kind of motherfucker takes an olive and puts red candy-apple coating on it?

But the worst is this cinnamon bun that I bought today.

When you look at this thing it’s crusted in cinnamon-sugar mixed with butter. It looks SO good… and it feels spongy. Like the sweetest Cinnabun … bun. Where they accidentally dip the whole thing in the frosting and then you eat it and then you get instant diabetes and you have to get your foot cut off but that’s OK because it was WORTH it.

But, what you can’t see is that there’s something gooey inside. And no, I’m not gonna be gross and say that it’s the sperm of a million chinamen who spend all day jerking off into vats to fill buns to trick stupid Americans and that’s why their eyes are so slanted. Because that isn’t what happened.

Just as bad as that is that they filled the most AMAZING cinnamon bun I’ve ever seen with mayonnaise.

I. SKEEVE. MAYO.

And what the fuck is mayo doing in a cinnamon bun? I mean seriously?

And now for your enjoyment, I put Atomic Fireballs as Eyes. It’s now a Cinnamonsterbun.

It took me about 3 hours to get the taste out of my mouth. I had to sniff paint, drink some nasty corner-store coffee, use Worcestershire sauce as mouthwash and I can still almost taste it. It’s like I get a memory of the mayo and i can feel it in the back of my throat like its stuck there.

Like when Candy Sanders brought new meaning to “Homecoming” when I was in highschool. And she was still in her 50’s….

I stood on line for half an hour before I realized what was going on. I thought that they were giving away free candy, not that Candy was giving it away for free…

And I’m pretty sure that she only tasted SLIGHTLY grosser than this did.