My grandma was a real JAP. Not Japanese, but Jewish American Princess. She wanted the finest things in life Goddamnit and SHE DESERVED it!

If she wanted something she didn’t care how much it cost or how much my grandpa had to work to get it and may the multi-armed gods of the Arabs help you if you got in her way. Or got the wrong thing.

My Grandfather was a college-educated man, back when that meant something, because we all know that Lisa Sparxx has a college degree and that doesn’t keep her from having sex with 3-30 dudes at once… on camera… Well, anyway Grandpa was a Pharmacist (again, when that MEANT something) but was forced to be a schlep for a dairy farm, delivering seltzer bottles (the kind that clowns use).

He’d haul cases of them out of the truck and into grocery stores and Pharmacies where he SHOULD have been working but since there was no money around because of the Great Depression he couldn’t get a job in there.

He’d bust-ass all day. Six days a week. And he did it all for Grandma. Because he loved her. And showered her with presents.

Like when she wanted a Cuisinart. The Cadillac of food processors. Well, Grandpa thought “Whatever, A food processor is a food processor” and got a… Daewoo or something.

NOT. GOOD. ENOUGH

And by “not good enough” I really meant “Not good enough to process rocks and gravel into food” which is exactly what Grandma put in there to prove how unreliable the “*Knock-off Cheep Chinese Crap” that he dared to buy him was…

Then there was the mink coat fiasco. Back in the days before PETA animals didn’t have souls and it was perfectly acceptable to wear their skins and furs as clothing instead of having to throw them out when you’re done eating the tasty meats that are inside the skins.

People really loved fur coats. It’s like how Koreans brag about how much rice their cars can burn per-mile, Jews would brag about how awesome their fur coats were and would try to out-do each other.

So when she got a mink jacket you’d think that she would be happy and grateful? Nope. She was pissed. She wanted a full-length coat. The kind that you wrap up in and go to shows and have midgets carry the tails of. She wanted something MORE.

So Grandpa said “Not right now. I can’t afford it. I’ll get you one as soon as I can, OK?” … but Grandma didn’t say a word.

No. Instead she went into the bedroom with a pair of scissors and then cut the HELL outta that jacket. Because… that makes sense. And is the ONLY logical action to take.

The reason for this post? You can’t make people happy with presents. Don’t try. Merry Christmas.