I don’t know why I thought of this incident, since it happened like, 13 years ago and I haven’t thought of it since. I’m sure that the statute of limitations has expired on this since it was just stupid…

When I was in highschool I got to take bowling instead of gym since I had a huge problem with group showers and changing in front of other people. Oddly enough I have little to no problem with public nudity, just the whole “all of us guys are showering together and parading around with our dicks out” thing kinda skeves me out a little. I’m all for gays being allowed to practice homosex all they want but even I have limits to what I’m comfortable experiencing.

I’d never make it in prison.

And like the man said “School is prison“… gymclass doubly so.

So in order to not be locked a room of assorted dicks I took bowling. It only met a couple times a week, so I got to get out early the other three days. Which was great for me because that meant I could drink 40z and smoke up at the train station or in my friend’s garage. It further proves that bowling is the slacker’s golf.

One day, after a particularly successful couple frames, I decided to get a Milkyway bar from the vending machine. I put in my 50c. I pushed E6 (which is always where you get a Milkyway bar), the screw turned and turned and turned and stoped. With my Milkyway bar still stuck in there.

Bastards. I stomped back and forth. Walked to Karen and Bill and said “Motherfucking machine took my money” Bill responded with “Take your revenge…” and handed me a 12lb green tigerseye bowling ball. WIth a chip in it. I looked at Karen, since she was a fairly attractive girl with GIANT boobs and I was 16 I had to do what she said. So I followed her advice when she said “Yes. Do it. It is the ONLY way…”.

I picked up the bowling ball and went over to the vending machine with Bill and Karen following and … the door was plexiglass. Which is a bitch and a half to break with a bowling ball lemmetellsya.

Now infuriated I grab the machine and start shaking it like a Polaroid picture or a baby under the care of a British nany or a fat chick on a bus or whatever shaking thing you can think of. Use your imagination. It won’t hurt.

The employees at the bowling alley as well as the teacher just stared in wonder and amazement as I flipped that vending machine over onto its front, and then upside down and back unseating all the snackfoods and dropping them to the bottom for easy access for all the miscreants in the class. I simply took my Milkeyway bar, and a couple baggies of combos (as payback for making me flip over the machine) and went back to bowling.

Milkeyways are that good.