FatKidsLie

I’m not exactly sure of the family structure of this group. I believe that it was two sisters who were living with a cousin of their’s. There was even stories of a third cousin flown in from Nebraska. I don’t really know… Because I wasn’t allowed to associate with them. For more than the obvious reasons.

All together there were at least 30 kids with a spread of 25 years from youngest to oldest. The government eventually stepped in and took the kids. They in fact had a special court order that any hospital in the area had to call them when one of them was born. The kids are now spread all across Staten Island. They’re all retarteds and useless to society.

It’s not like they ALL don’t try. One tried to join the army but failed the entrance exam. Another works at the coffee shop across the street from me. And by “works” I mean that sometimes she blows the Albanian drug dealers in the back room for free meth. But at least that’s something, yaknow? I’ll give points for working within your means.

I remember their house… It was up the block from me. Just remember that I live in a semi-suburban area of New York City… Not Detroit or Alabama or nuthin..

The front door was missing a hinge. When they’d open it it’d swing in all sorts of weird directions. Like a palsy patient. Only it’s a door. Not some poor schmuck.

They had actual cardboard in the windows. There was a PILE of tires in the yard. They even had a piece of plywood crookedly and precariously nailed to cover a hole in the wall.

Eventually the house burned down. Nobody was in there. Or at least, nobody of any significance. I mean, they MIGHT have had a kid or two in cages. You know.. the ones that are too deformed and weird and psycho to live amongst society. Like the creatures from any cannibal horror move where there’s hillbillies and inbreeding and stuff…

I’m pretty sure they were there. At night? I could swear I heard howling ….

When I was a kid I lived in this old Victorian house. It was part of a set. My neighbor’s house was the exact same layout, which didn’t really happen over a century ago. Not like today’s home-manufacturing industry which is all about track houses and Mc Mansions where all houses look like they’re stamped out like in the Homer Price stories…. each with a picture of Whistler’s Mother….

At one point the two houses were own by a family. This was so long ago that it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that the property line cut down the driveway.

My neighbor at the time was an old shutin. I remember visiting her house once and she had chicken wishbones strung up across her kitchen. She also had jars of various …. things in there. I swear she was Grimm’s Fairytales kind of witch. The kind that would put kids into the oven. And not just the jew kids.

Well one day I see some smoke coming out of the back yard and I walk down there…. I must’ve been like 12? I dunno. I was old enough to fight someone if I had a baseball bat or machete or whatever. But anyway I walked down there and there was this redheaded kid from up the block in there with some of his friends. They were smoking pot in my garage, and had knocked out the window to get in.

Now I know you’re thinking that 8 year old boys don’t smoke pot. Well, if they’re the 8th of 15 kids who are all half brothers and each other’s cousins… well…. yeah.

You see the father was in a poly-relationship with these two women… who were sisters…. Yeah… if you were in that family you’d be smoking pot at 8 too.

But I wasn’t too mad that they were smoking up. I didn’t want them in my garage. So I chased them out and they told me that the crazy lady next door rented them the garage. I told my mom and she and my dad had a conversation with her and it turned out that she did in fact rent them our garage. Because she claimed that it was her’s.

Yeah. Weird.

So the next day the red headed kid was back. My mom scared him away. And then he came back later that day with some of his brothers. And my mom chased them away….

I don’t think she went to the parents’ house. Because these weren’t the kind of people that you can reason with. These are the kind of people that had all their kids taken away and then had a court order that they get their tubes tied….

So the next day my dad hears some ruckus coming from the back yard and gets his hatchet and goes back there to see flames coming out of the garage. He puts the fire out and then picks the kids up by the neck (yes the kid was dumb and inbred enough to stand around) and asks him to explain…

Well the kid thought that it’d be a good idea to light fireworks in the garage. Not that it was ANYWHERE near July 4th…. I believe it was in November.

So up the block my dad went. Past the hippies with no shoes; Past the black Vietnam vet who sat on his porch with his shotgun; Past the Albanian whorehouse until he got to the hick-shack. Where he kicked the door in and threatened to perform a citizen’s castration.

After that? Nobody messed with my garage.

Re: Good Times Spa

They’re back open. But with a new name… “Smile Body Work”…. Same Craigslist add too.

Who wants in on a pool for how long they’ll stay open?

This is my hoarding neighbor’s garage. There’s a vintage Cadillac in there.

It’s also where he hides the cats that he’s hoarding. The ones that poop in my backyard.

I don’t know why he’s got a lock on there, since there’s no back wall….

There used to be a nail salon around the corner from my house where i’d get my self a mani/pedi (#nometro as i’d type in my twitter account) called “Judy Nails”. When I was a kid that place was a Chinese resteraunt that my dad would take us to for special occasions. It’s where I fell in love with wonton soup.

Sadly, they closed in the mid-90’s. But that’s OK. Because I was then old enough to go to Chinatown on my own. But none of this is of any importance.

What IS important is that last week Judy Nails closed down and underwent a transformation. They tinted the windows, and covered the glass door so that you couldn’t see inside. They added mood-lighting that you COULD see from the outside, but… only from the windows that were all the way up like seven feet from the ground.

And they changed their name. To “Good Times Spa”.

Here’s some pics…

Those notices on the front gate? Here’s a close up….

and… yeah…

R.I.P Good Times Spa. We hardly knew ya.

But one thing begs for an answer: If you’re Asian, and you have a prostitution “massage” parlor… don’t you think that it’s a good idea to NOT name it Good Times Spa?!?!?! WTF!