I couple of weeks ago I had to take a mid-term exam in my Probabilities & Statistics class. I got sick from eating a bad burrito or something. I know I shouldn’t eat at questionable taco stands run by guys that don’t even speak Spanish but 3 tacos for a dollar is too good a deal to pass up even if it means that you shit your asshole inside out.
So I get up in the morning and instantly puke out a few organs. I then go and shower and then think that I’m gonna fart but I totally shit in the shower. I’ve NEVER done that. Not even as a baby.
When I was a baby the WORST thing I’ve ever done was going boomboom in the cat’s litter box. I was totally proud of it too. Because I thought that I was helping the environment by not having to flush. Also around that time I peed and I missed the toilet and then my mom got mad at me and rubbed my nose in it like a dog.
So anyway I mistakenly think that I can take this mid-term exam that covers everything up to conditional discrete and continuous probability and also reverse conditional probabilities… Midway through the exam I realize that I’m gonna be sick… so I hurry up and answer as best as I can, but I can barely read the questions since I’m running a fever and I’m sweating a gallon an hour….
As soon as I’m done I hand in the test and run to the bathroom. I sit on the toilet and EXPLODE all over inside it. While on the bowl I call my sister and say “Yo! I need a ride…. I’m sick and if I have to take the bus then someone’s gonna die. And it’s gonna be me”
I then realize I’m gonna puke again so I stand up and totally don’t make it to the bowl where I was puking. I wind up puking ALL over the floor. Puking bits of steak and onion burrito. Identifiable chunks. So that you would know, even without a biology degree or any forensic training. You could also see the Pepto Bismal in the mix.
Midway through my projectile hurling I realize that I have to shoot some shit outta my ass. Again. So as I’m turning around, trying to hold my pants out of the puke on the floor, I slip and get puke all over my pants. And then shit all over the floor. The sight and smell of my shit and the knowledge that I’m now sitting in a puddle of my own puke-shit makes me puke down my shirt.
I call my sister again, and tell her to bring me a change of clothes.
Why didn’t I take my pants off and hang them up? WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT”!?!!? the answer is “Me. Now. Forever.”
Just to not take that risk.
So now I’m filthy. And I realize that I answered a question TOTALLY wrong on the test. I figured that I couldn’t really go and re-answer it because I was covered in my own sickness. Even though that would PROBABLY be evidence enough that I was sick so that I COULD re-answer that part… but I didn’t wanna bother.
All I wanted was to hide.
Like an emo kid from reality.
So I peek out of the bathroom and see that nobody’s around. So I run for the stairs and make it to the downstairs bathroom. Where I lock myself in a stall and start to cry.
I hear, from the hallway some howls of protest and then a bunch of students from my class come down and I hear that they could identify my dinner from the other night (Carne Enchilada taco vomit has a … UNIQUE smell…). And that at least one of them had added to it (Bacon Egg & Cheese Sandwich from the deli by campus).
I get a call from my sister that she’s on campus and I tell her to bring me my clothes… She goes to the window and hands them to me. She also took the initiative and bought some baby lotion so i don’t get diaper rash from my filthy sickness. I climb out of the window and I walk to the car.
the end.
