FatKidsLie

I couple of weeks ago I had to take a mid-term exam in my Probabilities & Statistics class. I got sick from eating a bad burrito or something. I know I shouldn’t eat at questionable taco stands run by guys that don’t even speak Spanish but 3 tacos for a dollar is too good a deal to pass up even if it means that you shit your asshole inside out.

So I get up in the morning and instantly puke out a few organs. I then go and shower and then think that I’m gonna fart but I totally shit in the shower. I’ve NEVER done that. Not even as a baby.

When I was a baby the WORST thing I’ve ever done was going boomboom in the cat’s litter box. I was totally proud of it too. Because I thought that I was helping the environment by not having to flush. Also around that time I peed and I missed the toilet and then my mom got mad at me and rubbed my nose in it like a dog.

So anyway I mistakenly think that I can take this mid-term exam that covers everything up to conditional discrete and continuous probability and also reverse conditional probabilities… Midway through the exam I realize that I’m gonna be sick… so I hurry up and answer as best as I can, but I can barely read the questions since I’m running a fever and I’m sweating a gallon an hour….

As soon as I’m done I hand in the test and run to the bathroom. I sit on the toilet and EXPLODE all over inside it. While on the bowl I call my sister and say “Yo! I need a ride…. I’m sick and if I have to take the bus then someone’s gonna die. And it’s gonna be me”

I then realize I’m gonna puke again so I stand up and totally don’t make it to the bowl where I was puking. I wind up puking ALL over the floor. Puking bits of steak and onion burrito. Identifiable chunks. So that you would know, even without a biology degree or any forensic training. You could also see the Pepto Bismal in the mix.

Midway through my projectile hurling I realize that I have to shoot some shit outta my ass. Again. So as I’m turning around, trying to hold my pants out of the puke on the floor, I slip and get puke all over my pants. And then shit all over the floor. The sight and smell of my shit and the knowledge that I’m now sitting in a puddle of my own puke-shit makes me puke down my shirt.

I call my sister again, and tell her to bring me a change of clothes.

Why didn’t I take my pants off and hang them up? WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT”!?!!? the answer is “Me. Now. Forever.”

Just to not take that risk.

So now I’m filthy. And I realize that I answered a question TOTALLY wrong on the test. I figured that I couldn’t really go and re-answer it because I was covered in my own sickness. Even though that would PROBABLY be evidence enough that I was sick so that I COULD re-answer that part… but I didn’t wanna bother.

All I wanted was to hide.

Like an emo kid from reality.

So I peek out of the bathroom and see that nobody’s around. So I run for the stairs and make it to the downstairs bathroom. Where I lock myself in a stall and start to cry.

I hear, from the hallway some howls of protest and then a bunch of students from my class come down and I hear that they could identify my dinner from the other night (Carne Enchilada taco vomit has a … UNIQUE smell…). And that at least one of them had added to it (Bacon Egg & Cheese Sandwich from the deli by campus).

I get a call from my sister that she’s on campus and I tell her to bring me my clothes… She goes to the window and hands them to me. She also took the initiative and bought some baby lotion so i don’t get diaper rash from my filthy sickness. I climb out of the window and I walk to the car.

the end.

• myGF: KID!!! you can’t flush softball sized wads of toilet paper! It clogs the toilet!!!
• kid: but MOM! It was a BIG poop!!!!
• myGF: I don’t CARE! You’re not wiping the poop! You’re wiping your but!
• kid: but mom!
• myGF: No “buts”! If you clog the toilet with toilet paper you’re gonna eat it! Like matzo-ball soup!
• kid: That’s gross!!!

"…and one time! at my daddy’s house?! I pooped in the toilet and he was out of toilet paper. So I did what you told me to do! I used a towel and I gave it to my dad so he can wash it!

I smell poop. I’m not sure where it’s coming from, because I’ve got my windows open. I know it’s not MY poop, because I keep a fairly well ordered poop journal.

I’ve been looking around my house for one of Scruffydog’s poops, to no avail. He’s usually pretty good about keeping his poos in his cage, on his weewee pads (if he didn’t go outside). But I can’t find any so… I’m pretty sure it’s not him.

I do have my windows open, so it could be one of the rancid cats that live in my neighbor’s crumbling garage (the one with the tree growing out of it). Rancidcats have been pooping in my back yard for years. I gave up on trying to keep it clean back there… because there’s too many cats. And they all have feline AIDS. And that’s just death…

…

I just looked outside and there’s a 4ft mountain of rancid cat poop. I’m pretty sure that’s what’s causing the poop smell. Problem solved.

A friend of mine works at a retail store where they sell video games. They keep the games in glass cases, and then add a sort of security lock to the little bar that the games are attached to, so that you can’t just grab a game, you have to ask for it. It’s called “Loss Prevention” and is a big part of corporate retail strategies. (The more you know….)

So some dude comes in, jimmies open the case and grabs armfuls of video games. Like when he goes to sell them at the flea market or off of a card-table in the projects anyone’s gonna doubt that they’re stolen? Or care?

Well the store security catches him and chases him into a corner. Where he proceeds to take his pants down, take a dump and smear it all over the video games, and then hold out his hands to sort of ward off the security guards.

Which worked.

Because he got away.

But not with the games.

Which had to be marked as a loss. By one of the minimum wage earning kids.

At least they didn’t just restock them…

But here’s the thing that bugs me… I can’t poop on demand like that. My BM’s are so regular that God uses them to plan sun-up and sun-down. You can synchronize Gregorian, Hebrew and Chinese calendars to my poops. But anyway, I’m thinking that this guy planned that as a backup plan. That’s what I’d do. Either that or fill a Supersoaker with piss. and leave it to ferment for a couple of days.

But that’s just me.