"I just want you to know that all the drinks you spilt on me last night stained my legs and made me think my veins were popping out, therefore I thought I was dying. …Until my mom licked her finger and rubbed it off.-- My girlfriend’s cousin complaining of, what i think was, laugh-spittle from Mike’s Hard Lemonaide…
"Piece of evidence No. 73 why my family is batshit crazy: My little sister: “Jewish blood tastes like pennies.” My niece, in response, “Then what does Christian blood taste like?” My sister: “Not like pennies.--from a “Facebook” status message that my sister left earlier today…
"There’s this hill over there and it’s called “Happy Hill” ‘cause my dad? his boss? he goes up there and he’s not allowed to drink because his wife says not to because it’s bad for his heart. ‘Cause he’s fat and his heart isn’t too good and it pumps too much and too hard and stuff. Well he goes up there and doesn’t tell his wife and he goes there to be happy and drink beers and not be yelled at or nuthin’. Up on the hill. on “Happy Hill”.--My girlfriend’s five-year-old son, talking about this hill off the side of the highway where there’s all sorts of grass and gross stuff… in New Jersey…
"That lady did some voodoo on your hat!--
—Some crazy lady that my sister overheard on Main St. here in my hometown.
The hat?
… Based on the descriptions given.
"Why don’t you have a job? My aunt has a job AND goes to school AND she’s only 19!!!!????!?!?!?--
—My girlfriend’s five-year-old son. He was seriously concerned.
And no, my girlfriend didn’t help me out. I had to fend for myself on that one.
