FatKidsLie

"Is there any reason that the bedroom smells like farts? I mean… I’ve been looking for dog shit all night because it smells so bad in there. Did you leave one in there for me? Like.. open the door, fart and close it? It’s really gross. It’s nasty. I don’t understand where it came from. It didn’t smell like that yesterday….

--

My girlfriend on the state of our bedroom. Which does smell like farts.

Not usually. Just… today. It’s really bad.

We’ve been sick for the past week and a half…

And for the record? Farts come from my butt.

"I know you know where I live. You sleep with my MOM!!!!

--

My Girlfriend’s 5 year old boy. In response to me threatening him with “you can run all you want… but I’ll get you. I know where you live…”

And I totally think that a 5 year old boy means SLEEP and not “SLEEP”

Also? This was at his grandmother’s birthday party. Where his grandfather was hanging out. Not 20 yards from his bow-hunting gear….

"Why would you pee on your girlfriend’s face? That doesn’t make any sense!

--My girlfriend’s 5 year old boy talking to my scruffy dog because he was peeing and got it on my girl’s dog’s face.

"I just want you to know that all the drinks you spilt on me last night stained my legs and made me think my veins were popping out, therefore I thought I was dying. …Until my mom licked her finger and rubbed it off.

-- My girlfriend’s cousin complaining of, what i think was, laugh-spittle from Mike’s Hard Lemonaide…

"Piece of evidence No. 73 why my family is batshit crazy: My little sister: “Jewish blood tastes like pennies.” My niece, in response, “Then what does Christian blood taste like?” My sister: “Not like pennies.

--from a “Facebook” status message that my sister left earlier today…