FatKidsLie

A friend of mine works at a retail store where they sell video games. They keep the games in glass cases, and then add a sort of security lock to the little bar that the games are attached to, so that you can’t just grab a game, you have to ask for it. It’s called “Loss Prevention” and is a big part of corporate retail strategies. (The more you know….)

So some dude comes in, jimmies open the case and grabs armfuls of video games. Like when he goes to sell them at the flea market or off of a card-table in the projects anyone’s gonna doubt that they’re stolen? Or care?

Well the store security catches him and chases him into a corner. Where he proceeds to take his pants down, take a dump and smear it all over the video games, and then hold out his hands to sort of ward off the security guards.

Which worked.

Because he got away.

But not with the games.

Which had to be marked as a loss. By one of the minimum wage earning kids.

At least they didn’t just restock them…

But here’s the thing that bugs me… I can’t poop on demand like that. My BM’s are so regular that God uses them to plan sun-up and sun-down. You can synchronize Gregorian, Hebrew and Chinese calendars to my poops. But anyway, I’m thinking that this guy planned that as a backup plan. That’s what I’d do. Either that or fill a Supersoaker with piss. and leave it to ferment for a couple of days.

But that’s just me.

"Why don’t you have a job? My aunt has a job AND goes to school AND she’s only 19!!!!????!?!?!?

—My girlfriend’s five-year-old son. He was seriously concerned.

And no, my girlfriend didn’t help me out. I had to fend for myself on that one.

So, as many of you (both of you) know I hate my job. It is annoying. I feel frustrated that I’m not doing anything of any importance while I’m at work. I get bored with the monotony.

Blah Blah Blah. Y’all know what a guy going through a mid-life crisis is like.

But at least I can turn my downtime at work into something productive (to me at least) and draw a picture of the ghost of my ambition and motivation. And a chinaman pumpkin. Because Asians are scary.

With the flu season fast approaching, and due to the insanity surrounding the swine flu epidemic, my company has decided to hand out memos about hand washing. Like I’m in frikin’ kindergarten. Special Ed Kindergarten. And I’m still 29. But I just got left back THAT MANY TIMES!

The memo is supposed to be posted by every sink and starts off nicely enough… but the tone of the note quickly degenerates to insane levels…

We at COMPANY care about the health and well being of our employees. To this end here is the OFFICIAL HAND WASHING INSTRUCTIONS. All employees MUST comply with these instructions as they are not optional. Any employee found not following these instructions will be immidiatly terminated.

Thank you for your anticipated cooperation…

1. Using a paper towel, turn the water ON. Take care not to touch the faucet with your bare hands. THAT IS HOW DISEASE IS SPREAD
2. Using the previous method, adjust the water temperature so that it is HOT, but not SCALDING. **HOT WATER KILLS GERMS*
3. Get your hands wet, and use a dollop of hand soap. Rub your hands together using the FRICTION to create a lather.
4. Hold your hands under the faucet and continuously rub them together for 20 seconds.
5. If there is fecal matter on your hands then contact management. We will provide a disposable sponge or washcloth for your one-time use.
6. With another paper towel turn off the water.
7. Dry your hands with a fresh paper towel.
8. DOOR KNOBS CARY DISEASE!!!! Using a clean paper towel open the door and then IMEDIATLY discard the paper towel.

IF WE ALL WORK TOGETHER WE CAN LIMIT THE IMPACT OF FLU THIS SEASON!!!! Honestly? If I have feces on my hands I’m just gonna wash it off. Because… fuck them.

Is “Fuck Them” a good reason? I believe so.

Last Friday as I’m leaving work I get my supervisor (you know you life is shit when there’s someone who’s job it is to “supervise” you like the tards that ride the bus to the community center except that THEY don’t have a supervisor because they are trusted to get from one location to another and they actually do, but I’m not trusted enough to sign my name on a piece of paper…) hollering at me that the girl that does the next shift just called out. Which is very bad. Because that’s a 12 hour shift, and I’m covering the NEXT 12 hours after her….

So I had to give up my Friday night debachery. And my Saturday morning underwear-sitting and cartoon-watching.

And I had to sit in a booth, for 16 hours. Not happy about it.

Well that girl is fired. Not for being sick but, one of the guys in production told me, and then HR that he was at a party. A “house party”. Kegger. End-of-Summer Blowout Bash!

There was a stage in the back, with freestyle rapping, there were strippers! It was exactly what you think a party in Mariner’s Harbor would be like!

Plus the girl that called in sick? She was there. Giving 2 dudes BJs in a coat closet.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for BJs. And all for giving them out as party favors. Even if they’re given in a coat closet. But if you’re supposed to be at WORK and unless your job is prostitute or pornstar you’re not supposed to be sucking dicks!

Especially if you’re doing it in a coat closet.